Brialee Turner

Perfection is…

The compliments and the validation of those who only see my outside layers.
The feeling of strangling my voice in a calculated way so that no one gets mad at me.
The feeling of freezing because ‘there are no words.’
Not doing what I love or want because I am worried about what others will say or think.
Making others happy; with what I am wearing, saying, doing, or believing.
Living so that no one has anything bad to say about me.
Living up to impossible standards set by society and then morphed into my own personal nightmare.
Knowing I am the thinnest person in the room.
Ensuring that no one is gossiping about me.
Masking how I really feel.
Doing everything I can do not be myself because I believe that no one will love the real me.
Perfection is suppressing my emotions when I am lonely, depressed, or unsure.
Perfection is never saying no, never making a mistake.
Perfection is giving people what they want so that they will like me and include me, so that I will fit in.
Perfection is staying quiet during a flight.
Perfection is dressing attractive but not calling attention to my body.
Perfection is the perfect balance between not drawing attention to myself and wanting validation.
Perfection is the shameful voice telling me I am unworthy when I make a mistake.
Feeling like I need to be the best, or I have failed.
Is doing what other’s think I should do with my life and asking them for their opinions to make a decision for me.
Perfection is asking for permission, never stepping out of line.
Perfection is supporting someone who is hurting me so that I can be thought of as loyal.
The voice that says if I can’t make other people happy, there’s no point in being in their life.
The voice that says I am a terrible person if someone is mad.
*Perfection is killing me.*

Perfection is not…

Running through sprinklers, giggling and twirling.
Eating a decadent slice of cake with creamy frosting and sprinkles.
Meeting a perfect stranger who makes you feel like you have known each other for years.
Gliding through the summer night air on a bicycle.
Crying with someone who loves every part of you.
Learning a new word to describe a beautiful part of life.
Seeing two people who are so old and wrinkley, but still madly in love.
Dancing to a song in the middle of a grass field with old women.
Finally understanding a math problem that has taken you hours to solve.
Laughing with a child.
Seeing a vibrant sunset and a rainbow all at the same time.
Watching a butterfly glide across the meadow and the trees.
Holding a puppy.
Going on adventure where you have no plans.
Roasting hot dogs over a camp fire.
Curling up in a soft blanket after a long day at work.
Holding someone’s hand as they cry because they are in in describable pain.
Creating something, the process of molding and imagining.
Laughing so hard your stomach hurts and your eyes start to water.
Calling a friend who answers and listens to you without judgement.
*Perfection is not living.*