Brialee Turner

Crushing,
And crushing pain,
So raw
And lonely…
Why does being
Brave
Make me feel
Like I am
Weak?

Surrounded
By examples
And relationships
Of what I
Feel
I cannot have.

The shame is
Overwhelming
And it comes in waves
I try to
Ask it to leave,
No.
Tell it,
Command it to
“Just go away.”

For attempting
To be more
Of myself,
My beautiful self,
I am left to
Be just as I am.
Alone.

I question
Everything that
I thought I knew,
Trying to say
“Your first life
Was not a waste.”
And
“This world is better
With you in it.”

And yet,
I don’t believe
The sentiments,
Because the behavior
Of those
Closest to my
Heart
Mocks my courage.

I feel they do not understand.
They do not know.
I feel a great sense
Of fear.

The shame crashes again.