Brialee Turner

He leans across from me and
Gently says
“I would change nothing that you said or did”.

The desk is the final barrier between us.

In the moment I soak up the words
Like a child who is starving
For love and attention.

I’ve been searching for myself
Since the flowers on the hydrangeas
Started to bloom
And I tried to grasp my soul when the
Orange groves flourished,
And now as the heat has melted away
Most of the self resolve that I packed
In my suitcases,
I accept the words as a
Badge of honor.

“You went to battle for me,
Fought what I thought was the enemy.
And now that I’ve used you,
I am sending you ‘home’
Try and piece back together
What is left of your
Sparkling and galaxy reaching soul”.

And now, as I have passed through
Creamy summers and
Raw-orange falls and
Icy, stinging winters,
I come to the spring of myself once more
And realize that I simply
Want to be a loyal
Soldier for myself.

I would have changed what I said.
I would have changed what I did.

I would have explored the depths of
My heart and spoke up when others were
Drowning.

I would have changed my glasses to see
People,
And places,
And my words,
And cradled the aspirations of my
Heart.

So now I am changing
What I say and
What I do as proof
To show that I know who I am.
And even in moments when I
Confused at myself and at life,
I am not
Grasping to the self-centered
Missions of others.

I don’t need to live,
Not do I want to live,
A life that fights battles that
I never wanted to enlist in.

And do I even want to fight?
My heart sometimes says yes and
Sometimes says no.

But I know that I will figure out what
I want to say and do,
For myself,
And never again for a pillar of salt
That views me like a pawn.